my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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