I wanna bring you to show and tell
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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