i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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