i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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