This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
