Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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