I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
