i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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