Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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