The maid of honor just puked.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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