Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How does one acquire holy water?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
