So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i need to put some appletini on your dick
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
