Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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