Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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