just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
