Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Drake has all the answers
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
