Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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