Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
