Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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