last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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