I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
