My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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