dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
