She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize