so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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