Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
