I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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