u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize