I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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