I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
