I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How does one acquire holy water?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
