No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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