I like to think it a success when the cops are called
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
