Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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