I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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