I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
