So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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