my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
