I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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