Screwed.edu
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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