he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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