Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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