a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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