Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I want her autograph on my taint
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
