i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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