The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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