When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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