I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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