It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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