You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Im just a social blackout drinker.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
