i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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