Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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