I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
