So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
