I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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