I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
that's an acceptable place to lick
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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