I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
