I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
