Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize