I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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