note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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