i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
